Here are 15 tips on how to get that European traveling experience you crave but can’t get this year because your neighbors wanted to eat freedumb waffles in a strip mall over Memorial Day.
1) Pack 50 pounds of your favorite traveling gear into a suitcase. Plan well, because you can’t go home after step 5.
2) Store the bag in your bedroom.
Pretend you’re waiting for your plane by getting down on the floor with your luggage. Only 4 hours to liftoff!
3) Pack a carry-on with your must-have or you’ll-die-without-them essentials (books, magazines, laptop, two 2-pound weights for power walking, gummy bears, lip gloss, etc.). The bag should be too heavy to lift over your head.
4) Find the most uncomfortable chair in your house and place it in front of the TV. Find your remote and place it on the chair. You will be sitting in this chair for the next 12 to 18 hours with your carry-on under your feet. If traveling with a spouse or companion, place their chair in front of you or behind you. No kicking! And, only one remote per plane.
5) When you’re ready to take off, turn your home’s air conditioning down to 68 degrees for the duration of the flight.
6) During the flight, you’re allowed 4 ounces of diet Coke or ginger ale every three hours. If flying from the West Coast, you’re also allowed 2 ounces of pasta, 1/3 chicken breast, two saltine crackers, and 3 ounces of coffee for lunch or dinner. If you are vegetarian or vegan, you will be eating steak. You’re only allowed to use a spork. You’re not allowed to eat in the kitchen or bathroom. Otherwise, feel free to move around the cabin. You’re only allowed in the kitchen for 10 minutes.
7) After 18 hours, add another 45 to 90 minutes before you can land. Be creative.
8) Once landed, go to your bedroom to collect your bags.
9) If traveling with a companion, pretend your companion is TSA. Unpack your bag in front of them and wait while your companion examines the items. Repack your bag. Now switch roles. Baggage check is the only point in the trip where you and your companion can mock the other for the things each of you chose to bring. If traveling alone, unpack your bag anyway.
Looks comfy, don’t it?
10) Move your bags to the one room in your house that will be your vacation hideaway for the next three weeks. If it’s your bedroom, this part is natural. Otherwise, make sure the vacation room has a bed or cot and access to a bathroom. The rest of your house is generally off-limits because you’re on vacation. You can use the kitchen, but nothing from the refrigerator. Imagine you’re running an Airbnb, only this time you’re the guest.
11) Once situated, turn off the air conditioning in your house. Feel free to open one window.
12) Pretend that it’s raining for the next ten days. Did you pack a coat or umbrella? Too late now!
13) Ready for a little side trip? Grab a mask and head to the most foreign (to you) grocery store in your town. Aldi’s qualifies, but the point of this excursion is to experience what your neighbors are actually eating. Grab some mussels, or blood sausage, or haggis, or herring, menudo fixin’s or glass noodles and a few other delectables you’ve never seen before and take them home to eat. You can do this every day.
14) Does your town still have statues? Some funky old buildings? A cemetery? A church? Grab your phone or camera. It’s time to ogle.
An exercise band makes the perfect clothesline while traveling abroad.
15) After 13 days, you’ll probably have to do a bit of laundry. Remember, you’re on vacation. Your bathroom sink is now your washing machine. Hang wet items from a makeshift clothesline. Feel free to use curtain rods or the back of the TV for drying. If you packed an exercise band, feel free to use it. You probably weren’t using it anyway.
Are you having fun yet?
Don’t forget to write!
And don’t forget your mask!